"Its never too late to be who you might have been" ~George Herbert
So..this it the road to divorce, eh? Sadly, I know for a fact, it doesn't get easier the 2ND time around! I've been married twice but never truly had a "marriage". My first husband was my prince charming who rode in on a white horse..(literally, he drove a white, 03 Ford Mustang..yeah..). I fell in love quickly and we were married within a year of knowing each other. Shortly after getting married, my prince charming decided that he wasn't ready to settle down with just one woman. But, do to our faith, divorce was supposedly not an option. When I finally got the courage to tell him I didn't want to share him with other women and that I was ready to go ahead and get a divorce, he became very bitter towards me. At the time, I didn't care. We had been through our fair share of things and I had had enough. He didn't "fight" for me and didn't really show all that much emotion during the whole process. It was after the divorce that he really let me have it. Unfortunately, I wasn't strong enough to handle his words..and it drove me into a downward spiral. I Began hanging out with friends that...well..maybe weren't the best influence on my life. Not to blame them of course, we all our responsible for our own decisions. BUT..it gave me an out from my reality of heartache and of not being good enough.
My way of escaping reality soon became a new "problem" in itself...Because of my lack of caring..I let myself go and found myself in a very sensitive state. When I found out I was pregnant, I didn't know what I was going to do. I knew I had always dreamt of having a family, but the idea of doing it alone, not having the finances, AND having to tell my very conservative family made it very difficult to breathe let alone be excited! I don't think it ever truly hit me until I had my son. He was now my main priority. So, thinking I was doing the right and natural thing...I accepted the proposal of my son's father. Another marriage...
Although the intentions were good...the outcome was not. And thought I can't go into extreme detail of this marriage...I realized quickly, I wasn't the type of life I wanted for my family. Which leads me to the present moment.
I wrote this quote down years ago..and found it again...the other day. I realized that in all my regrets...and in all the things that I thought I should've never done...I'm right where I'm supposed to be! My life isn't over yet! I can still accomplish all the things I wanted before. For some reason, we go through things in life that at times can seem completely overwhelming -almost too much to bear. But if we can take a moment to step back and clear our heads..we'll realize, how much we've learned through our tough experiences. Yes, of course its always easier to give advice then to receive it..But I'm hoping by making this realization "out loud" it will encourage me and others to continue reaching for those dreams we thought were lost. In my faith, (that I must admit has helped me very much through out my life) I believe that God is in control. We don't always want to let him in..but, once we do...nothing is impossible!!!
